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My mother rejects me

How can we improve our relationship?
Rejection by the mother
Mother who rejects her children

Can I learn to live with my mother in a non-violent way?

A friend called me to say that she had gone to the mall to buy a present for her mother, but that her heart wouldn’t allow her to do it. She said she only felt hatred and resentment towards her mother, but would like to change that.

She asked me: Is it possible to learn to live with my mother in a non-violent way? I said yes, and that I congratulated her for not running away from the problem, but rather confronting it in search of a constructive solution.

She then asked me to talk about how I perceived her mother. I replied that I admired her, because she had come to Brazil very young, from a country that had been through a war, and that she was a person who always worked hard to support the family, because her grandmother had a problem with depression, brought a lot of trauma from the war, and never accepted the fact that she lived in Brazil, she was always criticizing everything, she was unhappy and dissatisfied.

I also remember that her mother, because she had an accent, didn’t like the games we played in the street, always avoided people and wouldn’t let anyone get close to her. She found it difficult to establish emotional and social ties with others and was suspicious of everyone and everything. She was a very closed person, but always correct, honest, loyal, hard-working, the one who cooked, washed, ironed, tidied the house, the first to arrive at school, the last to leave, discipline was her name, she always fulfilled her duties at school and at home.

My friend pointed out: she protected me so much from others that I found it difficult to relate to people, because I felt inadequate, inferior, afraid to get close to others, thinking that everyone would see my faults and certainly wouldn’t accept me for who I was. As a teenager, I became very disappointed with her, because I started a relationship with a drug user, and she threw me out of the house. So I moved in with him, but it didn’t work out, because he abandoned the narcotics anonymous program and turned to self-pity, always thinking he was the poor thing, lying about the simplest things, only doing what he wanted, not respecting work schedules and deadlines, not knowing how to obey or respect his superiors. In fact, he never put up with discipline, which is why he never stopped working.

So I decided to ask my mother to come home, but only the body came back, because my heart couldn’t trust her anymore, nor could I get emotionally close to her, I was afraid of being abandoned and thrown out of the house again.

In other words, since my mother rejected me, I started to reject her too. My thought was: if she doesn’t feel love for me, why should I feel it for her? And the worst thing is that the hell of hatred I saw from my grandmother when I was a child, all talk of war and betrayal, I now see repeated in the life I’m leading with my mother, because there is no love.

She’s emotionally distant, cold, she can’t talk to me, every problem I have I can’t count on her, because she only criticizes me, doesn’t support me, doesn’t understand me, doesn’t protect me, and my desire is to leave home, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to cope, and I also don’t want to leave her alone because she has very few family members here in Brazil, and those who do live in other cities.

Recognize your emotional dependency in order to transform it.

My friend said: I want to tell you something else I experienced in our childhood. Do you remember that mother who lived next door to me and had a disabled son? I said yes, and she said: I was so jealous of him, I thought: what does that boy do to get so much love and care, because he’s so imperfect? I was indignant when I saw that mother smiling, happy, handling that difficult situation in such a balanced way. I remember once asking her: do you experience any kind of prejudice? She said yes, and I asked her: what do you do to overcome it?

She replied: I’ve learned to understand the ignorance of others, and I’m an independent person, I don’t worry about other people’s opinions of me, because no one knows about my struggle, my efforts. That mother was admirable, wasn’t she?

Then my friend asked me: What about you? Which mother in our neighborhood did you appreciate? I replied that I had a mother who lived on the other street and had a very sick son who couldn’t even get out of bed. She always looked after him as best she could, and when she went out to work, she left a carer, as she didn’t have any relatives who could look after him. However, when she left to go to her job, she had a ritual: to say a prayer to give her son to Mary, the Mother of Jesus, asking her to take care of him.

Everything passes, don’t give up

This mother said that everything is transitory, both things and people, and that’s why she always counted on the help of the people in heaven, because she knew she wasn’t alone, and that they would send angels to help her and resolve any situation. What struck me was that although she was experiencing a situation that was beyond her control, she always accepted the events with resignation to the divine designs, she didn’t victimize herself and she had hope.

My friend asked me another question: Do you think this situation with my mother can improve? I said yes, especially if you accept your mother as she is, a being just like you, full of imperfections. But also, when you learn to stop demanding love from others, when they have never learned this feeling. Love is learned…. We also learn to value, respect and appreciate, without expecting recognition or retribution.

I said to her: Your mother has qualities, can you see her honesty and other virtues? Don’t compare your mother with others, she has her own story and has suffered a lot. How about broadening your mind to understand that your grandmother couldn’t take care of your mother’s needs, so she had no affection, no attention, no dialog, just hard work.

Ask Mary, the sweet mother, to grant you understanding and courage, because she was a mother who suffered when she saw her son’s pain, but gave him to God because she knew he was in good hands. When her son went to the spirit world, she forgave those who had mistreated her, continued to care for the hungry and sick, and never stopped doing good. She carried on in faith. May we be inspired by her example, her solidarity and her strength not to lose heart in the face of difficulties. She taught us that

Rejection is overcome with humility

You say you suffered rejection from your mother, but do you remember our childhood friend who was rejected by her family simply for embracing another religious faith? She was constantly criticized by everyone because she was simple, while her relatives were ambitious and fanatical about aesthetic perfection. But she didn’t want to lose the spiritual light that she truly believed in and that strengthened her. She stood firm in her values, dedicated herself even more to her belief, and saw that the criticism from her family didn’t diminish her as a person; on the contrary, she evolved and became more and more enlightened. Learn from her not to depend on others to be happy.

This girl, who was rejected because she chose another religion, discovered the elderly who had been discarded by their families and who were in shelters, and began to protect them. She built her life on noble and uplifting actions, forgave her relatives, got married and is currently very happy with her husband.

We all are or will be rejected. So don’t beat yourself up thinking that you should have done this or that to please the other person, because there are people who, no matter how much you do, they will simply never know how to appreciate, because the problem lies with them, and not with you who are doing good.

Don’t blame yourself, don’t be demanding of yourself. Learn from No, from Frustration, learn that a relationship is two people doing everything they can to make it work, if you’re the one doing 100%, there’s a lack of reciprocity, so you’re not the one at fault.

To illustrate this situation, I’m going to tell you a story, ethically, without mentioning names, about a psychosocial service I attended. I remember this child because he looked at me sternly and said: this isn’t the first time they’ve tried to adopt me, what do I do to please them and win their love? I told the child the story of a chick who wandered into another house and found a lot of care there? Of course, other points were made, but this is just to emphasize that the relational effort is collective, there is a whole social context that needs to be participatory, and not just one person doing everything to make things happen.

So, to re-signify your mother’s rejection, learn to love yourself and not be dependent on her love. God doesn’t do anything by chance, and it’s no wonder you and your mother are together. But how do you learn to love? By being patient with mistakes, by making an effort not to stop doing good, because know that the pain of rejection will help you alleviate the suffering of those who are going through the pain of falling out of love. In other words, what you wanted your mother to do for you, do for her: forgive her for abandoning you, for not accepting you, because your mother never knew what love was, so don’t expect recognition and appreciation from her.

I know that the prayer of St. Francis is not easy. To understand without being understood, to love without being loved, but this is how a generous heart is built. Don’t expect your mother to change, do your part. Learn to be a good mother to yourself, and show solidarity with the pain of others.

Happy Mother’s Day!

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Picture of Suenia Medeiros Gomes

Suenia Medeiros Gomes

Doutora em Ciências da Religião pela Universidade Católica de Pernambuco. Mestre em Psicologia pelo UniCEUB. Possui Especialização em Desenvolvimento Sustentável e Direito Ambiental pela UNB, e Especialização em Saúde do Idoso pela Universidade Estácio de Sá. É licenciada em Psicologia pela Universidade Federal da Paraíba e graduada em Psicologia pelo CEUB. Servidora Pública do Governo do Distrito Federal, na função de Gestora em Políticas Públicas e Gestão Governamental - Especialidade - Psicologia.

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